How to get the perfect divorce

Published by The Guardian UK on 9 Feb 2011. By Afua Hirsch.

1 Ensuring the best outcome for a divorce should start before a lawyer is even instructed. "Sometimes clients just need to leave time before proceeding with a divorce," says Vanessa Lloyd Platt, from divorce solicitors Lloyd Platt & Co. "I won't deal with a divorce less than six months after a woman has given birth for example, because people – both men and women – are often very exhausted, upset and disappointed in each other. Decisions taken then are not necessarily the best ones."

2 Many lawyers also recommend that clients have therapy while going through the divorce; it's rarely a good idea to use time with a lawyer to talk through the emotional issues. "We are infinitely more expensive than therapists and we need to be able to remain commercial about the process of a divorce, while providing empathy," says Sandra Davis, head of family law at Mishcon de Reya. "I always recommend a therapist, and for clients to use mediation or family therapy for child-related disputes."

3 Once the decision to proceed with a divorce has been taken, the choice of lawyer is key. Obviously it makes sense to choose one with experience in matrimonial law. But also, says Lloyd Platt, "Having two divorce lawyers who have a working relationship with each other is crucial."

4 Mediation can help avoid adversarial and antagonistic proceedings and the government now requires couples whose divorce is paid for by public funding to mediate, as a way of trying to resolve disputes out of court.

It involves a single mediator working with both parties to agree on the division of assets, maintenance and other issues. Mediators are often lawyers who have had special training and usually hold between three and five sessions, each lasting 60-90 minutes, over two or three months. This can cost from around £300 to £1,000 depending how many sessions are needed. Many lawyers recommend finding a mediator who is registered with Resolution, the family law advice organisation. But mediation must be done at the right stage. "If you mediate too early, and you don't have enough financial information or disclosure, it will unravel," says Lloyd Platt.

5 Collaborative law – a technique that requires both parties to work together in a constructive manner – is also popular with many lawyers. "This requires both parties and their solicitors to sign a participation agreement," says John Osborne, partner at Cumbria-based law firm Temple Heelis. "They agree not to go over past events, to deal with matters in a non-confrontational way, to be open about finances and arrangements, and not to give secret advice. All meetings are conducted together. If the process breaks down because they can't reach agreement, the two solicitors are automatically disqualified." The parties then need to go down the normal route.

Mediation and conflict resolution are particularly good at minimising the detrimental impact of divorce on children. "It's so important to maintain a line of communication where children are involved, and to find ways of agreeing about them," says Davis.

6 It's essential to maintain realistic expectations. Men and women tend to approach the outcomes very differently. "There is absolutely no doubt that many men treat the whole divorce issue as a business deal. Many women get very emotionally attached to the family home," says Lloyd Platt. "Sometimes we have to advise a woman that if she can let go of the notion that she needs to keep the home, she may be able to agree a better financial settlement."

"For a divorce to work, everyone has to feel a bit of pain when it comes to settlements and each side has to give and take," says Davis.